ULTIMATE INVENTION: Hants! The Pants That Are Also A Hat!
Here is the newest invention from the peanut-loving scientists at the Bobsoldout.com Research Laboratory. Jump in on this while you can — it’s predicted to be hip by Christmas and trendy by this spring.
Send your requests for new inventions to bob [at] bobsoldout.com, subject: ULTIMATE INVENTIONS.
Fish and Ice Cream 045
Fish and Ice Cream 045
EFL
Often while teaching and conversing in English-as-Foreign-Language, you will find people who very, very carefully select their words because they want to be “correct” and understood. This sometimes creates amazingly (though perhaps unintentionally) poignant phrases. My favorite example so far is the following sentence, which was offered as an example after trying to explain how adverbs work in English:
“I am happily.”
Scorpions or, More things in my pants
Recently I posted about a ninja cat who ate a lizard in my pants. Well, here’s another true story.
I sat down at my desk the other day and what do I feel on my left leg but an entire colony of ants biting me at a single location. I hop out of my room and immediately take my pants off, and as it turns out the culprit wasn’t an entire ant colony at all but a single, small red scorpion. How he got in my pants I don’t know, but he’s dead now.
Luckily scorpions in Cambodia are generally not dangerous to a healthy adult, but they are surprisingly painful. For the next 24 hours a large part of my leg was all a-tingle with fiery numbness.
Here’s a link for what to do about scorpion stings.
Fish and Ice Cream 044
Fish and Ice Cream 044
To Aden On His Second Second Birthday
On your first birthday I wrote a poem for
Your second birthday which, vis-a-vis deduction etc. etc., anno Domini etc. etc., avuncular etc. etc., ipso facto
Marks today as your second second birthday, which makes you very lucky as
Most only ever experience a single second birthday. Though, speaking
Technically, only a single birthday can ever really be had by anyone, that being the
Actual day of the person’s birth, the following birthdays being mere anniversaries. In the
Conventional sense, however, a person generally does accrue one birthday per year, one
Accrued for each year spent alive, each birthday
Being celebrated one year after the one previous, though I am the first to point out that
The average person suffers from spending nearly 6 months of every year closer to his future age than his current one.
What’s important to gather from all this, dear nephew, is it seems that today you are actually turning
Three, a full year in advance of your peers. This is certainly cause for
Celebration.
Thanks for nothing, Kevin Bacon
I was in a guesthouse the other night and I couldn’t sleep because I was up watching this Discovery Channel special on wheat, which is apparently nature’s miracle grass and can even be made into doors that are lighter and more fire resistant than the average wooden door. Anyway I finally go to sleep around 2 or 3 when something apparently startled me and I woke up.
I can’t see anything because I’m not wearing my glasses, I’m still sort of in the fog of sleep, and I have an inside room without an outside window so it’s pitch-black. But I do notice what looks like a glowing lit cigarette hovering in the corner, and it appears to be moving.
I’m terrified.
I’m thinking, Who is in my room, How’d he get in here, and What does he want.
I become completely still because it’s pitch-black and maybe he doesn’t even know I’m here!, and if he starts to panic then it’s surely bad news for both of us.
I lock on to the glow of the cigarette and eventually realize it’s not moving at all, that it only appeared to move because my head moved and as it turns out I was looking into the mirror, and that little red dot wasn’t so much a cigarette at all but instead the red indicator light on the TV. So once I realize that all along I’ve been terrified of the TV it becomes sort of funny, but I still don’t get back to sleep for quite a while.
Anyway, my theory is that none of this would’ve happened if before the wheat special came on I hadn’t watched Death Sentence, the revenge movie starring Kevin Bacon in which he single-handedly kills an entire street gang.
So thanks for nothing, Kevin Bacon.
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