I was in a guesthouse the other night and I couldn’t sleep because I was up watching this Discovery Channel special on wheat, which is apparently nature’s miracle grass and can even be made into doors that are lighter and more fire resistant than the average wooden door.  Anyway I finally go to sleep around 2 or 3 when something apparently startled me and I woke up.

I can’t see anything because I’m not wearing my glasses, I’m still sort of in the fog of sleep, and I have an inside room without an outside window so it’s pitch-black.  But I do notice what looks like a glowing lit cigarette hovering in the corner, and it appears to be moving.

I’m terrified.

I’m thinking, Who is in my room, How’d he get in here, and What does he want.

I become completely still because it’s pitch-black and maybe he doesn’t even know I’m here!, and if he starts to panic then it’s surely bad news for both of us.

I lock on to the glow of the cigarette and eventually realize it’s not moving at all, that it only appeared to move because my head moved and as it turns out I was looking into the mirror, and that little red dot wasn’t so much a cigarette at all but instead the red indicator light on the TV.  So once I realize that all along I’ve been terrified of the TV it becomes sort of funny, but I still don’t get back to sleep for quite a while.

Anyway, my theory is that none of this would’ve happened if before the wheat special came on I hadn’t watched Death Sentence, the revenge movie starring Kevin Bacon in which he single-handedly kills an entire street gang.

So thanks for nothing, Kevin Bacon.