Dear Merriam-Webster, Incorporated,
I was recently perusing one of your fine dictionary products recently and was shocked to find a missing entry somewhere between the words “font” and “fontanel.” I thought that perhaps my copy was just misprinted or maybe I was the victim of a singular conspiracy against me, but I went to the local dictionary store and discovered that those, too, are incomplete. If the grievousness of your error hasn’t quite hit you yet, let me introduce myself: My name is Mr. John Fontaine, noted pulp fiction writer and real man of the world.
As a noted pulp fiction writer I am the hub of many literary and learnèd circles and I can assure you personally that the term “Fontaine” has come into common usage to mean “an especially worldly and yet somehow accessible and most clever fellow,” as in, “that extraordinarily worldly and yet somehow accessible and most clever fellow over there is a real Fontaine.” Or, in jest, you might say of someone who is a bit dull, “a Fontaine he is most certainly not!” Said with the right sort of Fontaine-timing and in a sort of mocking tone, you will certainly get a hardy laugh. I would also expect to find the term “Fontaine-esque,” which is quickly coming into use as the adjective form of my surname.
Ask anyone on staff to search his or her personal library and I’m sure there will be more than enough copies of photos of me on dust jackets to use in the next volume of the corrected edition of your otherwise fine publication.
Thank you for welcoming my petition. Remember: It’s okay to make mistakes. The important thing is, especially when one’s mistakes are so obvious, to correct them as quickly as time permits. The longer you wait, the more embarrassing it is for all of us.
Yours most truly,
Mr. John Fontaine
npfw, rmotw
johnfontaine [at] bobsoldout.com
