the new bobsoldout.com

The publisher of John Fontaine, noted pulp fiction writer, was so overjoyed 1) by the renewed interest that Bobsoldout.com is generating in Mr. Fontaine’s work and 2) that someone finally showed Mr. Fontaine how email works, that they sent us a character sketch of one of the new characters in Cows, Coward, Cowboys, and Vampires: The Rise of Count Cowcula (CCCV:RCC), which Mr. Fontaine is currently reworking:

Character name: (Benedict) Arnold Schwartzenburger
Nickname: Eggs Burger
Occupation: Head of the Moosquito Commando Unit (MCU)
Primary plot point: Betrays Count Cowcula by siding with the British
Catch phrases: “Get away from the meat chopper!” “I’ll be black angus beef!”

Loyal Readers may recall that back in October 2009 John Fontaine (noted pulp fiction writer) gave Bobsoldout.com exclusive rights to publish the opening passage of his new book, Cows, Cowards, Cowboys, and Vampires: The Rise of Count Cowcula (CCCV:RCC).  So why isn’t the book out in stores yet, you ask?  Why has its publication skipped the preceding holiday book-buying season?  Well, as it turns out, the publisher was none-too-keen on our “leak” (as they insist on calling it) and have delayed publication indefinitely.

So anyway, Mr. Fontaine, noting that we pay our scientists peanuts and have virtually no financial assets to speak of, has demanded (er, “asked”…) that in retribution of his now-defunct publishing contract, Bobsoldout.com give him a weekly space to address whatever is on his mind.  Bobsoldout.com is all too happy to oblige, especially considering we now have an opening on Sundays, what with the end of Fish and Ice Cream.

John Fontaine has given us a list of suitable names for his weekly feature (the first of which will appear next Sunday) and requested that you, Loyal Reader, make the final decision:

Here in Cambodia I’ve had the chance to befriend noted pulp-fiction writer John Fontaine (I know there are a lot of John Fontaines in the world, but I’m talking about the noted pulp-fiction writer here) who recently discussed his idea for a new novel involving bovine vampires (“bovampires”).  A mutual friend of ours was quick to point out that Marvel Comics already has Bessie the Hellcow, but Mr. Fontaine insisted his idea evolved from the Khmer word for mosquito (sounds like “moo”) and then imagining hordes of so-called “moosquitoes” and the havoc they might cause.

Anyway, exclusive for you, loyal Bobsoldout.com readers, is the opening passage of John Fontaine’s Cows, Cowards, Cowboys, and Vampires: The Rise of Count Cowcula (currently in the early writing stages):

It was a dark and stormy night and The Cowboys were mad wailing on guitars in their band’s converted practice space, known simply as, The Barn.  With amps cranked up to 11 (i.e., 110% of capacity, which you might think is physically impossible unless you’ve been to a Cowboys’ concert) the mad sounds of The Cowboys’ alterna-western funk (post-)Rock rang out all over the town of Rural Bucolia, though tonight on account of the storm most of Rural Bucolia didn’t respond with the usual barrage of noise complaints.  And even if they had the police didn’t like going out to The Barn anyway, especially on account of rumors that the head Cowboy, Honcho Max, was mad — not just in terms of wailing guitar skills or producing sounds — but in terms of unpredictability.  He was what some might call, an 8-ball.

Which is why no one believed him (or really even took notice) when, after a long flash of lightning, he remarked, “Dude, I think that cow just ate an electric bat.”

You read it here first, people.